Growing up faulty

I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I asked him if he’s planning to have any kids anytime soon. “You’re old enough” I added. I believe I added that by now he should’ve had a child already.

His answer was not what I expected. He told me that he grew up poor and he couldn’t satisfy many of his wishes when he was young so he does it now, when he can, before he will take the crucial decision.

I know he works hard and he’s in a good place trough his hard work and determination. He still has 2 jobs and I admire him for that.

Then it hit me. He’s right. We grew up poor. We never had what we desired, we only had what we were given. I didn’t grow up in a poor family but I always had a limit to everything. I never had pocket money or lunch money or if I had it was really not enough. I never went on trips or excursions with the colleagues from school, I never had more than necessary. I don’t complain here but it made me want to leave everything behind and go for those things I never had.

My friend just became more ambitious and decided to get everything by himself. He travelled, he bought a flat, he got married, he did it! He tried and he paid for everything he could never afford. He outgrew his condition.

In my case it made me leave, it made me a stranger to what I used to call home. It didn’t make me ambitious money-wise, as I never had a real understanding of the value of money. It made me actually a spender. There is always that thing in my head that I should do it for myself, that I deserve it. It made me selfish. It made me a loner also and unable to settle.

And also I strongly believe that there is a time for everything. Or at least a period of time. Disneyland doesn’t feel or look the same when you’re 40. I’ve seen it at 28 and I think I felt the same joy I would feel as a kid. But there is a time for everything so if you can do it, don’t wait, keep the magic, don’t turn it into dull moments. Do it while and if you can. Don’t even hesitate!

We were also too poor to date. He couldn’t afford to buy a girl a drink and I was dressed as a small boy and lacked self-esteem. I should add here, also, that my teenage hood was dominated by some prominent scars on my face but then again, if I was rich my situation would be different or I wouldn’t have them at all. I should’t think like this or say this? Really? Because ever since those days most of the times I see that money brings you upfront and looks gets you out of trouble. Just sayin’ feel free to cash me ousside if you have strong arguments and you don’t talk exceptions. Yes, of course I wouldn’t be the person I am today if that is the main argument.

No I’m not bitter about my condition. I was bitter then. I was suicidal. I was full of pity for myself. I felt like the burden of the entire world was on my shoulders. I didn’t have much to count on. Maybe using the word poor is not the best choice here. I understand and I see poor and it’s not what I was. Let’s say limited. Limited – replace the above with limited.

Anyway, i grew up despising money. You want them and you can’t live without them. And then you just become a robot on an everyday quest to get your bread money. It’s so ridiculous how controlled we are by these papers. We can’t make a move without it.

Yes, I said it before, and I will say it again: the best moments I lived were not expensive at all. Were feelings and emotions, sunsets and rays of light. Were laughter or tears.

I grew up a dreamer even though everything I ever lived was too real. But I refuse to let myself dragged into what others think it’s best. I spent a lot of time thinking about what other think so I’m not willing to do it again.

My friend said he wanted to see places he always wanted to see, to do things he always wanted to do before he will decide to have a child. He doesn’t want to live with the regret that he didn’t follow at least few of his dreams. And it’s true, a child is not easy work. It’s definitely a blessing, I am deeply convinced of that, but you have to be ready to have a mini-you around. You have to be able and mature enough to raise and guide a newly born human being into life the right way. I believe the regrets and frustrations of the parents can affect the child. Happy parents, happy children. Simply, at least this is how I see it.

Now he’s good. He probably did most of the things he wanted to. Soon maybe he’ll share some good news.

Back to me. Ah man, now it becomes messy. Where I am now? Good question.

I am somewhere good because I made peace with myself. I don’t know when that happened but it did and I couldn’t be happier about it. For the first time in a very long time I don’t punish myself for my mistakes or other’s mistakes. I actually reached a point where I cover for myself like I would cover for a best friend.

Am I happy? Weirdly I am, even though is not the best period of my life, but I learned in time to see positivity in every situation. And I am surrounded by good people. I learned to be happy just by myself. Of course I have my moments but they don’t define me. Am I still a bad mouth? Yes. Is not that I am a new person and that I lost all my bad habits, it’s just that I am happier.

I have a few more things to tick on my bucket list and then I’m ready. The scary part is that I somehow feel ready to settle down but at the same time it scares the shit out of me. And a baby… man a baby is the scariest thing right now. I am afraid of myself. I don’t know if i can make it, to be honest, or I just don’t trust myself. All of a sudden you are responsible with the happiness of your husband and then with the well-being and highest level of care for your baby. You are responsible for a life. I feel that I can’t possibly reach that level of responsibility.

I think we are a generation of pussies when it comes to responsibilities. We have everything delivered, we barely make an effort to get what we want. We don’t work that hard anymore. And we take so many things for granted. We don’t work on us or on each other anymore. We give up or get scared so easily. It’s also me right now. Complaining like a kid who didn’t have enough candy…

This asks for another post… another time…

Disclaimer: my ADHD doesn’t allow me to have coherent thoughts anymore so I might’ve deviated… quite a lot.

Shekh ma shieraki anni / Jalan atthirari anni

“True happiness is always a moment – he thought, with her memory still fresh deep down his soul. Man couldn’t bear more, and often, during a long life, doesn’t have the chance to even meet this moment, not even get close to it.”

Liviu Rebreanu, Adam and Eve.

This translation is mine and it’s poor because Romanian words are so descriptive, so full of soul and poetry and it will be practically impossible to  translate it accurately.

Have you ever met your soulmate? Because this is what the book is all about. Do you even believe in them? Is it just a romantic approach to those failed or impossible relationships?

Did you ever feel so connected and attracted to somebody that it’s surreal? You can’t possibly explain it but it blows you away when it happens. Especially when you are a rational and logical person. I am not a rational and logical person, I am profoundly spiritual. I am feelings and emotions, I have no roots.

I used to do a study for my journalism course a while back about soulmates.

I found an excerpt saying this:

“It cannot be denied. Soulmates travel together in numerous lifetimes. In some lifetimes souls are in love with each other, and sometimes they fight and they kill each other. In doing thousands of regressions it has become clear to me that the souls do love each other – at the spiritual level. They enter into various relationships on the Earth to help teach each other and to learn valuable lessons. In the end (whenever that is!), all the lessons are about learning unconditional love.

Not only does the existence of soul mates make sense, but the clever manner in which the soul mate pops up in a lifetime, at the right time for a lesson to be learned is more than amazing! And it’s far more than a coincidence.”

I really don’t know how much of this is true but everything has it’s own understanding and meaning.

I used to believe that you get to spend the rest of your life with your soulmate, but then relationships happened and unfortunately everything had an end. Those who were there with you turned out to be some well made replicas. I guess you can replicate everything in China :))). I know i am the master of bad jokes.

I used to believe that you meet your soul mate and you just do the most beautiful things with them. You wake them up with kisses in the morning and you fall asleep hugging. If you fight, it will be intense, but then everything will be fixed and it will be 10 times better because you know you can’t let them go. You’ll complete your sentences and read your thoughts and when looking into each other’s eyes there will be nothing but peace… and love… and life.

You’ll surprise them every time you can and you’ll give them all you have. You’ll take care of them when they are sick, and be happy for them when they win. You will hold their warm hand and feel like flying. During cold nights you’ll wrap yourself around them and everything will be warm. It will be peace.

If you didn’t imagine soulmates like this then you lie.

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Even the definition says it.

We grow up with movies and books that feed us this vision. We aim for this kind of love and often we get heartbroken. Because we higher our expectations and we only want to see the easy part in it. First moment when things don’t work out as we expect we collapse and we feel cursed. And this is valid for everything not only relationships.

All this because we are possessive, because we want to own, to have. We get married and we sign a contract that says we own each other. MY wife, MY husband. We want to own everything around us even though we know nothing is ours. We can’t keep any of the things we fight to have. We will just vanish one day just as naked as we were born. Ok we’ll have some clothes on this time. And a casket. Yeah I think we own a casket in this life.

We have to be aware that a soul connection is also blissful even if our bodies don’t touch. Even if we don’t get to do all those beautiful things together. We have to accept it even if it seems impossible. We can keep our souls warm with that flame.

After all, do you think you can handle that much love? Human nature is built to destroy everything, including each other. Would it be right to ruin it instead of preserving it?

But then, when you meet the real one, when you look at him/her for the first time and you feel that you know them a long time and that they will be a part of your life, what do you do?

Almodovar loveste din nou

Decid sa ma uit la un film de Almodovar. De mult n-am mai facut-0. Era o vreme cand ii cautam disperata toate filmele pentru ca erau dureros de reale si pline de amar. Si imi placea pe-atunci gustul asta.

Decid azi, dupa o lunga vreme, sa vad Julieta (2016). In acelasi stil caracteristic te loveste ca un cutit bont in plasele. Si ce femei alege. Ce frumoase si ce expresive sunt. Cat de potrivite! Incepe usor sa-ti dezvaluie povestea. Asa ii place lui, sa te aseze intr-un loc si sa iti atraga toata atentia. Oricum n-o sa mai fii bun de nimic pana nu o sa afli tot.

In timp ce stai docil in coltisorul tau incepe sa te invaluie in naratiune si cand devii una cu povestea pur si simplu te ineaca in durere si in disperare si toti demonii aia latenti ies la iveala, infinit mai puternici.

Nu trebuie sa ti se fi intamplat, o sa te regasesti oricum, o sa-ti regasesti de la mama la bunica la strabunica in filmele lui. O sa iti gasesti prima iubire si ultima si chiar si cele trecatoare. Si cireasa de pe tort e ca te intoarce in tine, in adancurile alea pe care nici tu nu le stii, sau pe care poate ai incercat sa le tii ascunse, si incepe sa-ti bata in suflet ca acele de tatuaj (fara aluzie la Carla’s Dreams, asa a iesit).

E atat de introspectiv incat te simti vinovat pentru ceva ce poate n-ai facut niciodata. Cel putin eu asta simt. Filmele lui, ca o pedeapsa, ma biciuie, ma taie, ma umplu de vanatai si de cicatrici sau le ingoasa pe cele pe care le am deja.

Isi alege povesti cat se poate de reale, pe care le poate trai oricine, atat de simple, chiar daca uneori usor fantastice, dar atat de grele si de adanci. Drame de zi cu zi de care poate ai auzit dar poate nu te-ai pus in rolul respectiv. Nu-i nimic, te pui acum.

La mala educacion, Volver, Todo sobre my madre, La piel que habito sunt doar cateva di filmele care m-au impresionat teribil. Reale si triste, drame la un pas de noi.

Daca nu stii ce inseamna sa fii sfasiat de durere o sa afli cand te uiti. Iti dezmembreaza sufletul in mii si mii de bucati pe care o sa iti fie imposibil sa le pui la loc. Ramane ca o carie si sapa, incet dar sigur.

Am intalnit o fata acum o luna. Imi arata mandra tatuajul ei. Pe coaste scrie “La piel que habito”. Si ii spun ca e un film de Almodovar si e surprinsa. Surprinsa sunt si eu cand imi spune ca ala e singurul film de Almodovar pe care l-a vazut. E de fatada, isi face pe coaste un tatuaj in alta limba cu un inteles oarecum misterios si e uimita sa vada ca stiu ce e. Apoi o intreb de celelalte filme. Nu stie nimic altceva si incepe sa freudizeze pe tema tatuajului. Ma retrag.

In fine, poate exagerez eu, dar Almodovar nu e doar o data si nu e doar un film. Am eu asa o obsesie pentru el. Sau poate imi place prea mult tumultul pe care il creaza. Almodovar nu e sursa doar de tatuaj, e sursa de enciclopedii de suflet.

Crede in destin si crede in karma. Si bate piua pe astea doua pana esti ne-om. De multe ori ma gandesc ca iadul arata ca o sala de judecata, iar toti cei pe care i-ai ranit, voluntar sau involuntar, sunt prezenti si vizioneaza surt metraje cu tine fiind o scursura de om. Iar tu stai acolo in boxa acuzatului si ei te privesc in ochi, flegmand “cum ai putut sa faci asa ceva” in fiecare moment.

Nu poti sa te aperi, pur si simplu stai acolo si induri. Nici macar nu poti sa explici motivele care au determinat o anumita actiune. Ei stau acolo vazand rezultatul final nestiind vreodata decat un singur lucru – ca i-ai ranit.

Cam asa cu filmele lui Almodovar. Am cazut iar in plasa lui si iar se trezesc Cerberii. Sa va uitati, daca vreti sa descoperiti noi senzatii (din 89 sau nu).

 

Time, fashionably blamable

 

Time, we need time. Time to sleep, time to go to work, time to reach, time to listen, time to learn, time to forget, time to remember, time to get used to, time to get ready, time to wait time to create, time to speak, time to wake up and many more. We need time for everything.

We blame time. We blame it for passing fast, for getting old, for forgetting, for changing us, for estrangement, for losing, for loving, for getting to know, for meeting and for many more.

We thank time. We thank it for bringing together, for healing, for loving, for moments, for memories, for technology, for progress, for getting to know, for meeting, for happening, for life, for parents, for children, for experience, for knowledge and so on.

We never have time. We don’t have time to sleep enough, to love enough, to care enough, to know enough, to see enough, to understand enough, to help enough, to be brave enough, to open our eyes enough, to do what’s right… 

Time… causing trouble since… forever. It’s either passing too fast or too slow. We enjoy it or we’re tortured by it. Not enough time not enough money and so you wake up one day that in your wacky race with time you lost all that’s important on the way.

That “tomorrow” became the day after tomorrow until one day, old and grey you look back and you see all those empty “tomorrows” like starving ghosts of regret.

Time would be enough if we wouldn’t acknowledge it. The butterfly scientifically shouldn’t fly, but he has no idea about that and so, he does. Against all the odds he does. If we didn’t know time exists we would just enjoy our lives until surprised as hell we’ll vanish.

We wouldn’t know how many years we lived or we wasted (depending on the case). We’ll be able to just say “I did this, and this. And this, I did it twice”. If there’ll be no time we’ll go to school just as much as we need to, until we understand what are we capable of. We’ll go to work and when we’re done with our tasks we’ll just leave or we’ll work forever. We wouldn’t know it’s morning that we need to start working because there will be no schedule, no 9 to 5. 

If we wouldn’t be so constrained by time we would do all those things we don’t do now. We’ll spend that extra moment instead of saying “it’s late, I should go”. We’ll do that (whatever that is) in a natural and correct way as we won’t be minimized by limits, by “now”, by “tomorrow”, by “later”. We would actually have no idea they exist.

Imagine living without the notion of time, of your age, of your “tomorrow”, without looking at the time whenever you do something, without being “late”… Utopia. It will also be chaos, probably. Most likely. People need guidelines and patterns. They need that fence that only a few can jump. They need to be little robots with their tiny suitcases and scheduled meetings.

Time eats us while we’re alive..

It haunts our memories, it makes us run for it, beg for it, pray for it. The search of a Holy Grail. We’re just prisoners even if we are free. Both a prisoner and a free man are waiting for time to pass. It’s so powerless to wait. When the only solution is to wait you can’t do nothing. You’re stripped of any kind of power you might think you have. Agony. Time is despair.

The only cure is that we’re adaptable and obedient.

Time to finish, because, of course I am limited by time and it’s late and tomorrow it’s a long day. I wish I was a butterfly…

We are all mad in there

Gee man, I wanted to be a TV presenter when I was young. I wanted to play the piano and  dance. And I wanted people to like me. Yeah just like any other teenager.

I wanted to be able to sing and sometimes when I managed a decent note I already imagined myself on a huge stage. My fans are screaming deliriously while they throw flowers and teddy bears at me. Yeah, and my talent, my heavenly voice and goddess moves will bring tears to their eyes.

Yeah, I was still in my room :))

But I still keep these imagination gaps. They’re like the inside of an empty wall. Nobody can see it. I bring some candies and I stay there in my own little rabbit hole for a while. In that hidden gap I am saving people, I am a superhero, a singer (again), occasionally I save animals, I am super-smart, role-model, but most of the time I bring innovation and peace to the world. Everybody claps in awe, overflowing with admiration and wondering where I was all this time.

Yeah, I’m still in my room :))

Narcissistic, I know. I am the goddess of my philanthropic universe. You should see me glowing. Man, I’m something else. Just like you, when you escape in your rabbit hole. We all are the best (or should be), for us. Imagination keeps us sane, keeps us down to earth even though it sound antagonistic.

Most of the time I am saving animals just before a speeding car is about to send them to a better place. At the last moment, with perfect make-up, hair, clothes, high-heels and so on, I just save the poor beast from a tragic destiny. Of course the audience is entirely made of ex-s, crushes, recruiters, Bill Gates, bitches I don’t like, my future husband, Usain Bolt and people from work. It’s time for them to see how I sacrificed myself for a poor soul and to marry / love / hire / make me rich / forgive me / give me a star on Hollywood Walk of Fame / offer me a part in a blockbuster / (but mostly) praise me unceasingly.

Some other times, I just enter or reach a certain place (just me and my perfect self) and for an extremely long second everything and everybody stops and admires me. With other occasions I am plain brave and save people’s lives. Or I am part of the circus, olympic team and so on. The scenarios are infinite. I just have to bring them to life.

What’s your escape from boredom and routine? What do you do in that corner of your mind where you are allowed to escape the ordinary? Can’t be worse than mine. Share ;).

One for the comrades

I can’t sleep. Oh man, that sucks.

It sucks because your mind works against you and you become so self aware of so many things. You lay on your back thinking about all the things you could’ve done different and all the wrongs you could’ve done right. You think about all the words that came out differently and what you could’ve said… well… differently.

So many plans and so many things to come. My oldest best’s friends wedding is coming and some of my best friends can’t make it. My other best friend’s dog died and my mind is spinning. I could’ve done better, I could’ve said better.

Yes, I have many best friends, great friends because I can’t separate them as they are all unique and beautiful in their own way. I have 2 other best friends sleeping in the next room. I have a best friend in Paris and best friends that I lost on the way. They are still besties. I have best friends at work. I have the best people wherever I turn and that’s the winning of my night. I have daily, monthly, yearly best friends. Awesome people every day.

I wish I could talk to them all, listen to them all, caress and soothe them all. I wish I could find better ways to express myself and better ways to be there.

I wish I could make up for all the wrong decisions and actions. The way to hell is paved with good intentions. Nothing more true.

The trap of the mind, the disability to take action… killers man… killers. Twisting and turning. I could sleep. Now it’s gone.

And that thing when you can’t be yourself and you can’t express the truth as ugly as it is just because you can’t. But there’s no excuse for not going further. No matter what. Just keep going. Things will be just fine and they will settle at their own pace, at the right time. And when you’ll have the chance you’ll make it right, and you’ll make up for the bad. It will come.

I have places to go, people to see and that’s the beauty of it. And it will be just fine.

I think Morpheus is near. I’ll catch him this time. Good night!

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Nonsense

Late night thoughts… Yeah sounds deep, but I’m actually hungry. There are 3 questions that I keep on asking myself in the last half an hour:

  1. What’s in the fridge and what easy combinations can I have at this late time at night (it’s 2 am)?
  2. Are there any unhealty snacks that I can feast on?
  3. Should I take a quick walk to the supermarket?

The answer for the first 2 questions is no. The 3rd question is the deal breaker. It’s becoming an issue :). It still goes on and on in the back of my mind.

Anyway, I will decide at some point, that’s not what I want to write about now.

“There are people who are opening new worlds for you. Sometimes of endless fears sometimes of brightest sunshines.

She sighs with dark eyes. And still the good is more than the bad. War is in her thoughts and devils seem to win. Why is peace so frail?

The stage is empty and she’s left alone fermenting her thoughts. Am I good, am I bad, she wonders? What is good and what is bad, continues?” – found this in my drafts.

I found an apple and some dates. My late snack seems resolved. And I found a song that I like.

 

Anyway, coming back to the draft:

Blank. I’m blank. All of a sudden my brain is barren. Most of the ideas come to me when I prepare to sleep or when it’s not possible in any way to write them. Man it’s a pain!

This song it’s too damn good and it’s probably distracting me :).

“Wooowee I want you to take me serious.. nana”. Dancing along. So much of my blog post for tonight. I’ll just stick to the song. I had other plans but maybe another time.

I still have to add a title to this nonsense. It’s ok, I’ll call it simply “Nonsense”.

“Yeah yeah, I know I’m young but you respect me like a father figure
Young mobbish n***a, probably make you farther figures
Sean Don Perrier out in Paris with a pair of Ye’s going
Well, I would tell you but I gotta paraphrase”

Still here :P. Ok, done.