I can see through you, I got X-ray

We make impressions about everybody around us. This is what we do. Inevitably.

Sometimes these impressions match everybody else’s. Basically, we all agree that some people are bad, good, funny, annoying etc. Sometimes there are exceptions. You really need a different approach to read some people. You need to enter their world to understand there’s always more to discover.

Once you see the good in somebody you can’t see them any other way. You can’t fake being good. You can fake anything else but not this. Or I’m very naive. We are all innocent in the beginning, our choices, later on, change us.

Sometimes people use defence mechanisms to hide their insecurities, or they simply think that being good means being weak. So they show everybody this tough, “I don’t give a shit” attitude thinking that this is the right way. Then they act surprised when people think poorly about them. What did you expect when you act like a douche most of the times.

And when somebody reaches to them, then everything changes. They like it, in the beginning, they finally throw the mask off. They can be themselves for a second. A breath of fresh air for a damn change. The only throwback is that like this they think they’re weak. They start to enjoy being themselves, they start to enjoy intimacy a bit too much so they have to restart the defence mechanism.

Sad. It’s sad because you get to know people in a way and it’s hard to fight for them when they’re convinced they should act their way in life. And then they always throw in your face the same immature words “nobody asked you to”. Childish.

Then you let them be. Because the change should come from them. But they are busy getting recognition from everybody else but you. Because you saw them weak. You felt them warm and humane and they’re ashamed of that. You saw them smiling and you saw them happy, carefree, you saw them looking at you differently and now they deny it, they pretend they forgot.

You move on even though you felt all that and it’s hard to have hard feelings after you had an insight. You are bothered when somebody says something bad about them, but in time you realise that there’s no other way. You have to let go.

But you can never turn against them. They make your heart warm when you look at them. They’re helpless and you know that.



Saturdays I bring my drafts to life

It will be a bit confusing.

I’m doing it not because I’m naive or unaware but because I don’t want to miss chances. I don’t want to look back and think “I should’ve said that” or “I should’ve done that”. No! I’m saying it if I feel like and I ask for it if I want it. If I don’t get what I asked for, at least I won’t regret I didn’t try. It’s easy. I speak for myself and it doesn’t matter if people think different. I am not supposed to live by their rules.

I don’t want to miss moments and I don’t want to miss opportunities. Maybe sometimes it’s not my best approach on things but it’s mine, it’s my way of doing things. Sometimes I thank myself for not keeping quiet and sometimes I go way too far. But again I am not supposed to sit and wait for something to come my way by doing nothing. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. It’s simple.

There are these boundaries set by society and by people themselves that are supposed to keep you on a leash but I’m not obliging. I speak, I laugh, I cry, I get angry and most important I take the damn burden off my chest whenever I can. Some might say I didn’t learn anything but again it depends on what I’m supposed to be learning.

“I would rather die of passion than boredom” – Van Gogh. Yeah, me too. I fear boredom and I always try to come up with new ways of keeping it away. My mind works on new tricks all the time on how to entertain my existence. I don’t need nobody to innovate for me, at this chapter I’m self-sufficient.

I am asking not because I don’t know the answer or I don’t have instincts, but because I know I might be surprised or I am hoping that I’ll be surprised, and one day that answer will change. Of course, I get disappointed sometimes but who the hell doesn’t. But I TRIED, this is my forever consolation and belief.

I try even when my instinct tells me not to because I am a non-believer, I am stubborn as hell and I need to see it with my own eyes. I chill after. I am satisfied as long as there is an answer, good or bad but there has to be an answer.

I don’t like simple things or categories, and even though sometimes I crave routine and normality, I easily get bored of it. I realized that I need to KNOW stuff, I want to SEE things, I want to experience the things I will never be able to experience later on.

On the other hand, I could’ve experienced everything (good or bad) next to somebody. I know that. But that somebody didn’t show up… until today. I guess I just had to experience it all alone so I could fully understand it. So I can get no comfort from anybody, especially for the bad ones. It would’ve been easier next to somebody, that’s why I had to be all alone, all the time.

Anyway, I tried. I’m the definition of optimism… somehow. The epiphany might change later on.

You want to make it easy, so you lie…

I wish there was an easier way when dealing with people. I wish we could tell what we feel without any hesitation. It will spare a lot of wasted time and a lot of heartbreak.

I wish we could see people as they are, without judging their habits, their beliefs and most important I wish we could see people without being influenced by the opinion of others.

Didn’t it happen to you? To meet somebody and think they’re awesome and then hear some gossip or a bad-intentioned person saying something bad about them in the attempt to change your attitude towards them? The worst part is that you believe what you hear and start judging, you start ignoring your first impression (which is the real one) and replace it with an induced one, coming from people who sometimes don’t even know who or what they’re talking about.

If you know somebody your way keep it like that. Don’t let anybody tell you different. In time you will know if they’re genuine or not. We’ve all done some things we’re not proud of, but this is not our essence. What defines us is what we do repeatedly. Our exceptions are there only to confirm our true nature. If I’m smiling most of the time and I frown from time to time, what am I? Happy or sad? Yeah, I might also be hiding behind my mask but that’s a different story.

But see, this is the problem. Some people will only notice that frown or when you’re angry or when you’re sad. They’ll ignore anything else and they’ll say that you are an angry person, or that you’re over-emotional. People like exceptions, they feed themselves on it. People love seeing the dark side of a story because it’s more exciting, it brings some adrenaline in their shallow lives. They will always remember your mistakes. They will say ” yeah, they are good but remember that time when they got it wrong?”. And they’ll be happy with that time. It means you are better than them but not the best yet.

I know extraordinary people being talked about on a daily basis. The stories you hear? It’s crazy! Jealous people invent the craziest shit. They can’t be themselves and they just start throwing dirt. This is us, people. Gossip and malice. We turn good people into monsters because that’s our vibe – negative, self-destructive, low.

The worst part is that other people believe it. Rarely you will find people who will not let themselves influenced. Rarely you will find somebody who will stand up for you. Because we are damn cowards. We act like we are saints and point fingers at others so we can hide our misery, our smallness. We do the most disgusting things when nobody’s watching and then we dare taking our heads out like snakes hissing for some prey.

We lose people like this. I fought more times for others than for myself. I fought for people that were generally perceived as being horrible. But I didn’t find them horrible so I didn’t care. These people ended up hurting me and when I was most entitled to think the same as everybody else, I found excuses for them. I kept them, even though it was hard, but I did it because once you see the good in somebody it’s hard to ignore it.

Then, again, people make mistakes. Show me somebody who doesn’t! And it’s not because they want to or they plan to. It just happens. We have to learn to open our eyes. People most of the times end up in some fucked up situations against their will. There are the exceptions if course. There are bad people too. But most of the people end up being screwed without even being aware of it. This doesn’t make them bad. If they do it again, with full responsibility, that makes them bad and even then, there’s a grey area. But “bad” is such a strong word. There are no completely bad people or I’m very naive.

I am a people’s person. I don’t know what else to be. I tried focusing on things, on something else but it’s people who are giving life a different meaning. It’s human interaction that makes everything so special. It’s the people you meet in this lifetime that leave a mark on you and your heart. Not money, not things.

Every single one of us has somebody special in their lives. Be it somebody they interact with still or just a memory, it’s alsmost most of the times a human being. We are interconnected and yet we choose to act like we don’t give a flying shit about anybody.

We try to act like we are self sufficient and we don’t need no damn help. Pride, vanity, they’re all there to make us believe we are some sort of superhumans. You know what we are? Nothing! Our flesh will be food for maggots one day and our memory will fade away in time. You know what we are? Frail! This is what we are. We are so sensitive and broken on the inside that nothing can ever fix us.

Why are we so proud? Because we are insecure. Why vanity? Because we crave recognition and freakin attention from everybody. Why we talk about others? Because most of the times we are missing something in our own lives.

I hear these things like “I can’t forgive” and I wonder who these people think they are? Gods? You can forgive if you stop your judging ass from criticizing everything and everybody. Forgivness is God’s job don’t act like you are a big deal. That’s why we’re bitter because we can’t forgive. We can’t forgive ourselves and we can’t forgive others. That’s why we are depressed and anxious. We think we’re the shit with our small daily dramas. We think we are something else when the only thing we should be is grateful and humble.

No I’m not preaching. Or yes I am! I can’t practice what I preach. But I try. I try to keep myself anchored to the ground. I forgive even though sometimes I don’t forget. Cliché anyways, there’s nothing that time can’t heal. I’ll forgive and forget everything if I stop being an uptight arse. I recommend you do the same.

I heard the craziest stories. I saw the craziest situations. I saw people acting and I thought to myself “oh, here goes the Oscar for the leading part”. We are so vain. We prefer losing people instead of trying to understand them.

Did you notice? We always hurt the people who are good to us. We hurt those who, we think, are weak. No. Those people who are good to us are the strong ones, because they see our flaws and still choose to stick around. Those people see what we don’t see in us and they forgive us for everything we ever did. We step on them because we are stupid. I can’t find another word. We choose to hurt them instead of explaining them that the problem is actually within ourselves. We let them think they are not good enough when they are actually better than us. We show them nothing because we are weak. We let them lose sleep at night thinking what they did so wrong to deserve the silence. Silence hurts. Silence is, most of the time, a lie. Truth has a voice and a way all the time. At the end of the day is shining bright.

I just don’t understand why we prefer losing people instead of talking to them about our concerns, about our fears. Even if their answer is not the one we want, we can open new galaxies when we speak honestly. Why does everything have to be so goddamn weird?

Where is the love people, because everything else, you all seem to know how it’s done.

Going all Inferno on this one

“Do not be afraid; our fate
Cannot be taken from us; it is a gift.”

Dante Alighieri, Inferno (The Divine Comedy #1)

Imagine the day of your judgment. Actually, how do you imagine it?
I imagine it like a court. It’s your trial. They sit you in the defendant’s box. The court is filled with all the people you met in your lifetime. Behind you, there’s a screen. It’s quiet.

“Let’s proceed.”

On the screen, images start rolling. It’s your life and everybody is about to witness everything that you ever did. How many people in that court will be happy, hurt or angry? How many will be staring in awe at the screen, shocked and/or disgusted? How many will be proud?

First, there are the early ages. Your parents wipe a tear. The age of innocence. Happy faces so far. Oh, here it is, your first steps, your first day at school. Pride shows on your mum’s face.

More. Starting to act naughty here and there. Nothing harmful yet. Your first cigarette, you miss a day, two, more from school. A bit of disappointment but nobody hurt yet.

What’s next? Starting to live an independent life, having your own ways. Oh, look at that first relationship. He/She is there in the court. You messed up and you hurt somebody’s feelings. It’s still ok. You had no practice. You did wrong but it was just learning.

Then we reach to more serious things. Slowly you turn into an adult. You’re responsible for your actions. No more excuses. Damn son, shit just hit the fan!

As the images change on the screen, so does the expressions on people’s faces. We talk big things now. All those people there see you doing things they never imagine you could do. Your family is shocked, few others are disgusted and can’t even look at you anymore.

And here they are. Out of the crowd, the people you hurt arise. The people you did wrong to, clearly identify themselves in the court. They know now more than they wanted or needed. Tears in their eyes as they look at you in disbelief. You remember this look when you first hurt them. You ignored, you never tried to ease their pain. You let them shattered behind you, you even laughed at their pain or added to it.

In your vanity, you didn’t even stop and try to console them. You let them frozen, you let them numb in despair, drowning in memories of you doing them wrong. Smug, you kept walking, destroying more in your way, even if their faces haunted you every night. Time healed them and healed you. You forgot. Now here they are,  and you can’t fix it anymore. You had so many chances to do it before. Can you look them in the eyes now?

Who, in that court, can you look straight in the eyes and be sure they’ll look back with happiness. A few friends, a few strangers along the way?

What about your family? Are they proud now? What do you read on their faces after they’ve seen your entire life? What do you see on the faces of those who loved you? Those who unconditionally gave you everything, just to get nothing but pain in return?

Yeah, they can see that you had your share of pain too, but they don’t look for revenge. Those people in the court are there for you to face them, they don’t care if somebody else did the same to you. What you did to them is what the trial is about.

Your trial is about finding if your good deeds exceed your bad ones. What do you think? You thought you’ll never get caught in your lies and pretence. Here they are, they know everything now, you see it all on their faces.

Are you feeling small in this court now? Are you able to look at them? At everyone? Can you still keep your head up high? Do you repent now? Are you on the fast train to eternal damnation?

What’s waiting for you there? Is it flames, is it pitch? What if you are convicted to feeling the same pain you inflicted on others during your lifetime. Could you take it, would it be bearable?

That time when you aim to kill

“For instance, if you train a dog to eat potatoes and then afterwards put a piece of meat in front of him, he’ll snap at it, it’s his nature. And if you give a man a little bit of authority he behaves just the same way, he snaps at it too. The things are precisely the same. In himself man is essentially a beast, only he butters it over like a slice of bread with a little decorum.” Erich Maria Remarque, “All quiet on the western front”

People take advantage so easily. That meat is something they never or rarely had and they choke on it, gulping greedily. They are usually mediocre, and potatoes suits them better, it’s closer to their nature.

Most people when they’re given authority act in the most primitive way, forgetting that they “were given” that power, they didn’t rightfully win it. They are usually impotent people feeding themselves with the weakness of others. They abuse this imaginary power and they forget that it is usually fueled by smarter and more decent people. 

They are puppets and they will never acknowledge the puppetier in their ignorance. When the strings are cut and the curtains fall, they find themselves where they were in the first place. Darkness.

Blinded by power they never learn. Their world is narrow and they are spoiled to bits, always wanting things their way. Even though sometimes or most of the times they regret not opening their minds, they’ll never admit it.

Power means many things and can be handled in many ways. Most of these ways are simple and logical and yet people choose the dumbest ways. Power is when you lift spirits and make people become better, when you inspire and ignite respect in others.

You have to be quiet around tyrans as they will never acknowledge a good word or action. You have to let them believe they are in charge and when they hit rock bottom never say “I told you so”. It’s a waste of breath. These people will always go down. Is not about losing their power, most of the time is about losing the respect and affection of others. They often find themselves lonely and they’ll always ask why. Oh God, where did I go wrong?

Smile and let them be. Their ways will never change. They need some good old karma to teach them valuable lessons, but surprisingly they never learn. They’re in a loop and they’ll go on forever making the same mistakes.

The more power, the more paranoid they become and they’ll do anything to mantain it. They think, in their smallness that everybody is as conniving as they are, as low as they are. They think everybody wants to steal their power even if it was willingly given. They live in constant fear of being unmasked and cheated. They’re full of terrors.

Power has nothing to do with being a low-life prick, scamming others and squeezing the last drop of their kindness and loyalty. It has nothing to do with forcing your beliefes on them.

Power is when you acknowledge the gift you were given and multiply it. Power is when you give back a lot more even if you didn’t have much to begin with.

True power lives in the respect and positive impact you have on those around you. Help build up, don’t stall or destroy what is meant to be righteous.

Blindfold yourself for once

People lose trust and with the loss of trust they start to lose so much more. They become paranoid when it’s not the case and start to think that everybody wants to fool them.

When was the last time you blindly trusted somebody, or destiny? When was the last time you didn’t overthink or miss-interpreted actions/reactions?

We just go on full of fear and in time we regret all the precautions we took. We regret not enjoying more, not giving more, not opening our soul more. And regret is the heaviest burden to carry.

People will think you have hidden interests when you approach them and they’ll ruin everything by just closing themselves in. They think “Oh, there must be something behind this person’s actions. They must be on to something”. And, this is how, many times, you lose people and you lose their genuine intentions. You make them feel guilty when their intentions were purely innocent. You lose the essence of actions and situations and everything becomes so complicated.

Some people are just as you see them. They are like glass, you can see right through them. You just have to know how to recognize them, because they are some of the few original ones.

Sometimes there are no hidden intentions. Sometimes it’s just as it is, enjoy it! There’s nothing worse than to waste your time over-thinking.

Oh, you met people who were un-true. Surprise! We all did! It doesn’t mean we are all the same, it doesn’t mean we are all bad. By default we are good and bad but in different percentage. Take people as they are, don’t make them actors in your theather. Don’t write a script, just flow with it. It’s simple.

I’m writing for myself too, even though I am still a naive animal sometimes. But I try to avoid as much as I can the disgusting feeling of regret. What’s done it’s done, and I lost many times but I like to think about the times I won. I won so many times by being me and if i didn’t win i learned.

There are people who make you feel different, who make you want to change yourself but you never shoul, except if they make you be a better person. Be you, who will like it will like it. Simple! There’s no time or chance to please everybody.

When I was young something happened and I was left with scars on my face for… ever. My grandfather said that who will like me, will like me for who I am. Needless to say that it wasn’t always the case. Through bullying and upercuts to my self-esteem I managed to learn in time that he might be actually right. I erased some of my scars and even though I had the chance to get rid of them forever I never did. A part of me said “Fuck it!” and just moved on.

Fuck it man, I’m more than a face, I am spirit, I am a matrix of contradictions, I am unicorn dust! Whatever i want to be! I have my insecurities but in time I managed to hide them like a pro. But, again, people are the ones who bring my demons back to life. We strive so hard to be accepted, to be the ones others need, neglecting the fact that we might actually fight for a wrong cause.

“The broken ones are the more evolved” – I read this somewhere, I don’t remember where. I learned that there’s no limits to what we can do. I became a dreamer and I realized it’s not a bad thing, I realized that you can’t be anything else but you. I work on my bad parts, but I also accept them. I punished myself a lot and I got punished for more than my sins. I will be punished more, that’s a certainty, but “do not despair” I say to myself.

The last thing you want, is to bring yourself down. Don’t do that, even if you don’t see any escape. The solution is always near.

People will rush to categorize you, to judge rather than spend some time trying to get your point, your essence. It’s easier to rush than to rationalize. Try and understand why people act some type of way instead of rushing to conclusions. Try and see from a different perspective, it will change you.

When did I become such a philosopher? I love to mock myself but I also love to spit out what my soul accumulates. I try to keep no bitterness in my heart and even though my demons are latently waiting for me to burst I manage somehow to keep them there, inert. Small outbursts are my speciality – I talk about the serious ones. We all have our small ones!

I don’t know if I really get people, and there are living proofs that sometimes I have no clue, but I like to think that I know myself. Sometimes I judge, I overreact, I am unfair but I immediately try to correct myself… if I can. I am blind sometimes and I have a short temper but I never mean it or keep a grudge. I have a smart mouth and sometimes it just pukes venom and stupidity but, HEY, I’m only human. (I will defend myself now, I’m just as petty as y’all). But there’s a huge difference to being bad-intentioned.

Now I feel that I’ve reached too far and I contradict myself but I am not talking only about others, I am talking to myself too. I try to preach for myself too.

Anyway, the point is, as I started, that… fuck it! I lost it. Boom, in a few seconds I disconnected. Take my words for good, or don’t… It’s ok, I’ll defend myself again :)))

Ok the point is, take things as they are sometimes. Have fun! You’ll discover some new dimensions to people and they’ll never cease to amaze you! Yey, I’m done! I’m all smiles!

I travel where the inner child takes me

As any other child, I was dreaming, eyes wide open, to magical places that I was reading about in books. I was imagining them through my child vision and they are still alive in my mind now.

I recently went to Egypt, and to be honest, my inner child imagined something else. I am perfectly aware that IMAGINATION sometimes… ok ALL THE TIME exaggerates and embellishes things and situations especially when you highly anticipate them. My inner child was happy in Egypt, but of course in my imagination everything was different. I don’t want to stress this out so I’ll just go on with what I liked.

I first landed in Alexandria and when I had the chance to move around the city, I felt that ancient perfume with strong scents of history and shining gods. Ruins of once impressive edifices are all over the city, as a reminder of the rich past. First thing I saw in the morning was the sea. I love the sea. I stood there on the balcony with a cup of coffee in my hand and I watched it. Green… dark green… patches of algae… dark blue. The sea where battles where held. The sea that Caesar crossed and met Cleopatra.

Then I went to see Bibliotheca Alexandrina. I was impressed but for me the bibliotheca was supposed to be as in the books I read… old, of yellow stone, all dusty, with wooden shelves and with grey ghosts of ancient wise men reading in every corner. Massive books with leather covers and old yellow worn paper inside, written in old and curly letters. Yeah the inner child actually expected to see that. Don’t get me wrong, I was impressed with the establishment. It’s huge and impressive but it’s modernity stroke me. I just wasn’t expecting this. I loved to be surrounded by so many books though, I felt warmth filling my heart when I entered.

Whenever I travel to a new country I have this feeling of… happiness mixed with some sort of heart warming and soul shaking kindness… I have no words to describe it, it just makes me feel some type of way. I can only compare it to the feeling you have when you look at something that you love.

Anyway, I’m loosing my way, as always. ADHD at its best. Back to Egypt and its wonders. From Alexandria I left to Cairo on a car ride with my friends. I love watching all the places through the car window and tattoo all the images in my brain. Train rides, car rides, tock tock rides, they all give me the same feeling – joy and maybe some sort of nostalgia. The feeling that I am far away from everything I know, with all new around me, makes me feel small but also privileged. And, just like in the memes, I turn my trip into a movie, looking lost outside the window.

Cairo was something else. Loved the new, more modern part but what I really wanted to see was the pyramids. All my childhood I draw them in my head. I sparkled gold on top of them and I admired Nefertiti, Cleopatra and Ra. I lived there with Tutankhamun and Ramesses and I saw all the fights and intrigues of that time. I saw betrayal, I saw stone on top of another stone and tombs filled with hieroglyphs and felt the smell of embalmment scents. I saw opulence and decadence and brave men fighting alongside gods. The inner child spent so much time there, sometimes even being part of it.

On the way to the pyramids we took a horse and carriage and we crossed the colourful and yet poor area around the pyramids. But it’s so vivid and at every corner you see children playing or riding horses, you see dogs and old men looking at yet another good round of tourists. We are looking back at them with the same feeling probably. There is a bad smell in the air but it makes it authentic. It’s raw and it’s bleeding around the Pharaohs’ playground.

At the beginning you see the pyramids but then you lose them. You see their tops and you see them from afar and you have no idea about the majesty they carry. But then you reach the desert and it takes you around them and from afar you see them in all their splendor. Unfortunately when I went, the access for tourists was restricted. But that ricksha ride and the feeling I had when we stopped opposite the pyramids was enough to please the inner child. They are what they promise to be and actually, I felt pretty good that I couldn’t reach anywhere near or inside them. Like this I kept my imagination active and I was not disappointed in any way. Some things are better from afar… at least sometimes.

I am sure I will go back to see them again. I need to see other place too. Adult me has equally as much fun as the inner child, don’t think differently. I just like to let myself go and see everything through the eyes of young me. It just makes me happy.

When I was young, I felt this need of seeing things and places, it was like a thirst. And most of the time I was unhappy with my inability to leave or to explore, with the impotence of being stuck in one place. Sometimes, when I was crying my weaknesses in front of my grandmother, she will take me in her arms and tell me: “just go wherever you want when you will grow up, just go and see the world don’t get stuck in one place like me. Go and live your life as you want to” and then she will wipe my tears with the back of her dress. Her words always guided me and haunted me. I hear her in my ears like an echo, I see her beautiful face in front of me and from time to time I meet her in my dreams. She’s happy in my dreams and I like to believe that she is happy for me being as I am today.

This was my trip to Egypt and all in all I had a lot of fun. I appreciate everything for what it is and I am grateful I had the chance to see all this. I appreciate little things, details and I like to believe that I see underneath the (sometimes) superficial surface.

It’s all about being happy and taking things as they are. In my imaginarium I can always have everything the way I want it.